The Green Ribbon Project, Volume 6: Love in Duality

My coming out story doesn’t follow a convention, but does anyone’s? Because I’ve never felt a strong pull to be one specific identity, and am a notoriously free-spirit, it’s been difficult for anyone to put a label on me, which I think is comforting to people to do, but that human need has always been painful to me. The part that makes it worse is feeling a pressure to defend myself against opinions when really, whose business is it who I love and how I conduct my life?

It’s difficult to be pansexual; a person for whom gender doesn’t influence their love and attraction. To make identity more complicated, I dress in a way that many don’t understand, since it’s a stupid notion to believe that clothes have an assigned gender. It doesn’t matter who you are; wear that which you love if it makes you feel beautiful. I guess it seems like it would be easier to not have strong preferences in terms of attraction, but that’s not the case. It seems narcissistic to sit here typing about how hard my journey has been when others have struggled so much more, but I am learning that we all have different stories and thresholds for what we can handle, and everyone’s feelings are valid and important. As pride month comes to a close, I am reflecting on my life and how my identity has played into my mental health, and am wanting to become ever more sensitive to others’ identities. I have felt this beautiful coming together in our community this past year. When all the chips were down, we realized that certain things just really didn’t matter anymore; the veils of difference were dissolved, and we were able to see into people’s souls. The eyes became the focus, beyond the mask, and we could finally see the beauty in each other while celebrating our differences, not that which divides us.

In the LGBTQ+ community, I’ve been something of an enigma, as well as among cisgender people. I have never really felt as if I have a definite place in society or in a community, which has caused an additional level of displacement and emotional problems in trying to find companionship and comfort. Some of that is my lack of commitment in getting close to people. The way that I grew up caused me to be a nomad who was always searching for the next thing in life. Part of it was that I couldn’t ever choose romantically between men and women, or any gender expression, and that was so confusing for me, and honestly still is. It’s been tough to explain that to people that I have been involved with, as well as to certain friends and family members. I just don’t see a need to choose, and I can’t; never will. I see a person’s soul and heart. What is attractive to me is kindness and a purity of spirit that cannot be bound by their physical appearance. When you look beyond the physical, it just makes sense. I love it all, and that has made my life richer overall. In relationships, this causes occasional trust issues with partners, and occasional suspicion from my peers. This is not to slam anyone, or to say that I have been somehow outcast, but it does create an odd energy sometimes that I don’t completely vibe with, but that is a rarity. The right ones get it, and that’s all that matters. To have to go through disrespect, distrust, and isolation, which is done in order to preserve my mental health, is taxing, but is far better than bending to the will of others that refuse to understand or validate my story. The journey of finding a partner who will understand and not attempt to change me is by far the most difficult part of that journey, but I believe in love and will never stop searching.

In many ways I envied those on both sides of the spectrum that only found definite attraction to one gender and didn’t have to explore much further than that. That doesn’t invalidate anyone’s struggle, we have all been through hell trying to figure out who we are, it just explains my specific journey as someone who constantly feels adrift without a tribe. I have found my tribe(s) over the years, and also have been totally content with being a drifter; someone with friends of all walks of life, orientations, and beliefs. I was that kid that invited the outcast or new person to hang out with me; inclusion is important on a necessary level to me. I look back to all the people that helped me and invited me in, and literally saved my life when I was newly out and looking for community. I’m so grateful for us all - the people that made me feel safe and beautiful in my own skin. The people that lifted everyone up, and didn’t make me feel like a freak like the world sometimes did. I’ll never forget those early days.

What does need to be addressed are the problems within our own community which sometimes overshadow the outcry for support from our peers. The mental health struggles that people face trying to find friendship, relationships, and their identity are fraught with confusion and roadblocks. We need to do better and be kinder to each other, instead of reverting to the tropes we see displayed in the media. It’s all fun until it’s just cruel and keeps people from being more connected. Drop the mentality of the clique and catty remarks and open it up a bit, let some of those bricks fall. We all have had to fight to be who we are, so why make it worse? The power of words and actions dictate someone’s self-perception, so make sure that you’re on the good side, because people will never forget how you make them feel, either positive or negative.

Overall, I have seen beautiful harmony lately, as barriers have been broken down and people have come together again. This past year of great turmoil and uncertainty has bonded us in ways I never thought possible, and I have felt a healthy shift in the ways we treat each other. The walls that used to separate us have been taken down, and we are feeling a new harmony that didn’t exist previously, and that is so needed.

As always, be good to yourself, and to each other. When you show someone kindness and make them feel validated, you could be saving a life. I guarantee the positive impact that you have on someone will never be forgotten, even if it’s something as small as a warm smile.

Xo, Cam