The Green Ribbon Project, Volume 10: "What if I'm Next?"

I’m still in shock and can’t quite grasp that I’m sitting down to write this. Honestly I’ve questioned whether or not it's helpful, and it's taken me multiple drafts to find my words. This article is meant to be a call to action as well as a catharsis, for what it's worth. Maybe in some ways a love letter to our community, though a somber one. I just hope it causes some sort of forward action.

Another mass shooting targeting the LGBTQ+ community has taken place. We’ve all read the news articles featured with front page prominence, which then disappeared from the media’s concern as quickly as they were published. Regardless of the overly-accelerated news cycle, violent acts against us are not just isolated incidents; they occur every day. This one seemed to strike a chord that hurt immeasurably more. Perhaps because it compounded onto everything else we are collectively facing at a time when the red wave seeks our demise with aggressive force.

We are hurt, scared, and angry. The dam needs to break open for something revolutionary to occur. Otherwise how can we ever feel safe in any space, when our own spaces become a setting for brutality?

When will enough be enough and what is it going to take for us to triumph over hate? The sudden, cruel loss of those who just wanted to dance is terrifyingly distressful. While we work through heartbreak and the inevitable emotional void from this traumatic event, know that this has an extreme effect on mental health. In that vein, I hope that during this time and from now on, we can call for community strength and activism. We need to be supportive of each other, especially now, holding our queer friends, partners, and family closer.

With my head swimming and my heart aching with grief, I struggle to leave my apartment lately. When I go to any public event space or club, even walking down the street, I’m always looking over my shoulder and scoping out the exit doors. Being fully present and feeling fully safe are hard parallels to align. It’s increasingly harder to get up each morning and deal with the responsibilities of life when our mental health is constantly beaten down by the actions against us. It’s sometimes inconceivable to stay positive when we are being told that not only are we lesser humans, but that we aren’t safe, and help from the “powers that be” does not seem to be on the way.

America is thought of as the land of the free for a select few, but a hellscape for the rest of us who have to fight for our lives just to be equal, validated, and exempt from harm. Lately, there’s rarely a moment when we aren't thinking, “What if I’m next?”

This isn’t sensationalism, this is real life. But, we will make moves towards a better future, because accepting what’s happening is not an option.

I won’t allow anyone the satisfaction of seeing me scared, nor will I ever stop being exactly who I am. Their hate will not force me into a box or a dark corner. We have all spent enough of our lives hiding. We should never cease to be authentic.

I’m tired of hearing that we need to tone it down, attempt to blend in more, to not draw negative attention. Those misguided attempts at assistance do not address the problem. Why should a person who is only wanting to freely love and express themselves be subjected to violence? We shouldn’t have to wonder if and when we will be included in the next news headline. We should be able to survive and thrive with dignity, respect, and protection.

Let me be direct in saying that the core problem here lies in our country’s wreckless obsession with guns, and principally with the extremists wielding them. They have them pointed at us, as they have them pointed at others fighting for their due security. Those extremists want us to be invalidated, subjugated, or even dead, all in the name of their disturbing, backwards beliefs. Their thoughts are deeply ingrained in our society, and given credence by far-right politicians who are fueling the fire with vitriol and disgusting language. In the instance of Colorado, take a look at Lauren Boebert, a House Representative with dangerous ideology who incidentally is an obnoxiously gun-toting hate-monger, who refuses to acknowledge the horror of what happened in her own state. People like her give others permission to be openly volatile against people like us.

These galvanizing events carry the potential for our community to strengthen, and hopefully, be kinder. I’m calling first for more unity in our LGBTQ+ family to occur first so that we can tackle the bigger issues as a united front. It won’t happen if we don’t stop the bullshit amongst our peers. Please, can we just be good to each other and put our verbal guns down?

Just like any breakthrough movement, we need allies to stand with us and advocate for policy change, actively participate in supportive conversations, and take to the streets in protest with us when the time comes. Don’t let this massacre be just another news story you read and subsequently forget about. With all that is happening in the world, this feels like a prime moment to channel our pain and our rage into inciting action; to show evil beings like the Club Q shooter that they will not win, that hate has no place entering our community.

Things won’t change overnight, and realistically we will probably never have a utopia where homophobia and transphobia cease to exist. I don’t think it's healthy to hope for such things. We just have to do the best that we can. I do want us to be in a world where we can love and express ourselves freely; where things aren’t perfect but we at least feel safe in the way that others are able to feel safe. It’s just a dream I have in mind, but it can happen. We can have a world where we are celebrated and not merely tolerated.

The thing about hatred, is that it thrives on division. Don’t let these monsters divide us. Let’s show them what it means to be unified in love and bravery, something they will never be able to do. Only love can do that.

*Update as of 12/1/22: In the spirit of some good news, we can recognize and celebrate a win in legislation, with the passing of the Respect for Marriage Act signed into law by Congress. This protects same-sex marriage by requiring it to be legally recognized by state government. It also legally protects interracial marriage, which shockingly was not the case in certain states. By no means is this the end-game, but we can look at it as forward progress.

In memory of: Raymond Green Vance (he/him), Kelly Loving (she/her), Daniel Aston (he/him), Derrick Rump (he/him), Ashley Paugh (she/ her). You will not be forgotten, and you will be forever in our hearts. May you guide us in the next steps that we take towards action, reform, and change. Help us to come together and take on this journey.

“I was going to die, if not sooner, then later, whether or not I have ever spoken up myself. My silence has not protected me. Your silence will not protect you.” - Audre Lorde