The Green Ribbon Project, Volume 3: Authentic Visibility

*Trigger Warning: This article mentions suicide, depression, and substance use.

Hello my loves,

With May recognized as Mental Health Awareness Month, we left this month's posts open-ended so as to fully encapsulate an individual experience. Mental health doesn’t have one uniform manifestation in a person, so it’s imperative to highlight all voices from those who were feeling called to share their stories with us. This all took a while to put together, and admittedly, we have been falling behind due to our day-jobs and a waning energy level as we navigate through life this year. I feel like this has been an exhausting time for many of us, and tough to know where to place our priorities. This month has re-solidified the importance of this project to us, and we want to take it further with our community outreach. The patience and support from people has been beautiful, and this is something that we are slowly and intentionally working on together. Good things take time, and are well-worth the work and process. This article is Part 1 of a few that we have coming out this week, as we wrap up the month.

For myself, this month has had a very personal meaning, largely since 2016, when I lost one of my best friends and one-time romantic partner to suicide. Having also lost one of my grandfathers and uncles to suicide, mental health struggles have been at the forefront of my mind for years, and shaped my outlook and life experiences more than I realized until fairly recently after seeking therapy and mental health care.

Oftentimes, those individuals' struggles were concealed under the most beautiful smiles, kind hearts, and spirited souls. These incidents weren’t expected, and devastated those of us who were close to them.

The loss of my closest soul-friend was my first loss of someone close to me who was young. A life full of promise and hope cut short is a different kind of devastation, and something that took longer to process.

This loss triggered something in me, and hurtled me into a state of mind that incited thoughts of my own suicide, and the nagging, yet false belief that I would never be able to love someone that much again, and even perhaps that I wouldn’t want to.

I can’t explain the pain that event caused me because it was something so visceral that the only way I can describe it was the feeling of every stitch of my soul being obliterated and scattered throughout the known universe. It’s the kind of pain that I knew and still know won’t ever be fully healed; it is part of me now and while it doesn’t rule me, it will always be integral to my life’s tapestry, which always has a dark side; such is life.

I used to have such a handle on these kinds of feelings, but used to feel worse.

Now I’m more open and honest about my feelings, and am in a more stable place. You see, by keeping what I saw as control over my emotions, it ended up damaging me more long-term. What is the point of “showing good face” (whatever that means) when you can’t be authentic with meeting yourself where you’re at? It doesn’t do anyone any good, especially you. To become secluded is to dwell on the agony of everything that is negative when you should be out in the world experiencing all the things it has to offer, and healing in the process of those adventures.

In the past year I’ve learned what it truly means to wear my struggles as badges of honor; they are not experiences to be ashamed of. On the contrary, imagine how much better society would be if everyone were honest about what they faced and how they overcame those pervasive issues; becoming solutions shared instead of stifled. The lives that could be saved knowing that someone wasn’t alone in that battle is the most beautiful thing this act of bravery and honesty can offer.

Someone once told me “you’re only as sick as the secrets you keep” and so now instead of insisting upon keeping my dark states a strictly private affair, I share what I am experiencing to close friends in ways that encourage healing and solutions without negating the necessary practice of just feeling them for as long as needed. That doesn’t mean letting them rule you permanently, it’s just that you really should encourage yourself to let them surface in healthy ways with trusted individuals. If you can’t bring that to fruition in terms of sharing, at least get them out somehow (of course I will always recommend writing in some fashion). Just by writing and speaking your feelings, things surface that you had no prior knowledge of, or at least had no idea the magnitude of their scope.

The misconception about those that struggle with their mental health is that we just aren’t trying hard enough, and should have total control and power over our brain chemistry. Those that don’t have these problems will never understand how hard we work to not only keep up with everyone else, we are also dealing with a complicated and more private journey in tandem with our daily routine. While it is our responsibility to be proactive in the healing of our past traumas and find ways to cope with our health, there are days where that is much easier said than done, and we have our less-than-perfect moments. I envy people that don’t have this problem, and I wouldn’t wish what I go through daily on my worst enemy.

To be clear, It’s not a weakness. I’m successful in my field and high functioning in my struggle, but not everyone is. I’m grateful that this is my experience, and have learned that in life there are those that will have it worse and those that will have it better. At a certain point you have to accept the journey that you’re on, and do your best to fight against what plagues you. The hard truth is, it’s your responsibility to heal from your trauma.

I have this unfettered drive to make it against whatever odds are stacked against me. This tenacity keeps me alive and propels me ever forward, minimizing the troubles of my past as I make progress.

I don’t know how to explain what I feel sometimes, but I can tell you that sharing what I can with others has been my saving grace that keeps me grounded and safe from my own toxic thoughts and situational pitfalls.

I’m so happy to have a strong support system, because despite my fierce independence, I can’t do this alone.

I am deeply grateful for this project that has brought these beautiful connections into my world, and has given myself and others the ability to be visible and to bring this safe space to other people that didn’t have this outlet prior to The Green Ribbon Project’s inception. I know that personally, I didn’t have an outlet like this before Jess brought me on, and it has already been life-changing.

This has been kind of a weird time, to say the least. The reason for this month’s delayed publishing (as well as the last couple month’s lack of content) is because I have been going through writer’s block as a result of my mental state. I have just been keeping my head down and hustling in my education and career, periodically isolating, and have not been able to be as open with my words as I have been previously. I kind of went on full shutdown mode to my feelings because I was in a space where I was so busy and in environments where I could not tap into those emotions and had to keep myself closed off for the sheer purpose of survival. Can you relate? It’s likely a familiar situation, however I’m not condoning it.

Having said that, it happens and is totally understandable and a reality of this world. If that’s the case for you, just ride it out and do what you have to do; it will pass and you’ll come back around. My advice is to at least record and monitor your emotions in some form. Personally I prefer journaling and writing. This helps me realize things that I may not have previously. By speaking or writing thoughts, we become very aware of our inner voices. I could write all day, and when I’m in a “normal” state of mind, I do. That’s part of why I'm here and doing this project. It’s the best way that I can contribute to this cause, and it’s the gift that I want to share with the world.

I just want to be a beacon of strong vulnerability for those around me, and I encourage you to do the same in whatever fashion you are able to embody. It certainly emancipates you, but also others in the process creating an outward and ever-expanding circle of healing.

Things won’t ever be perfect, but if we don’t at least try to use our own painful experiences in a productive way that can help others, then they are all in vain and will stay locked in that small part of our souls that never sees the light of day. How depressing is that?

I hope that my stream of thoughts helps at least in some small way. I want you to know that our intention with this project is to build a community around this issue, and make everyone less alone in the world. There’s no need for everyone to be on their own island with their feelings. We are absolutely here for you and will be a support system for you. When you feel alone, know that we have your back.

Love, Cameron of The Green Ribbon Project