The Green Ribbon Project, Volume 2: A New Way to Grieve

*Trigger Warning: This article mentions substance use, abuse, suicide, and self-harm.

I’m sure that everyone reading has experienced some sort of grief and loss. It can be the loss of a person, an opportunity, a career, a pet, precious belongings, and so on. Whatever you feel the deep absence of, you will likely grieve its departure. During that period, you will feel many emotions, such as depression and anger, guilt, apathy, among many others, some of which are hard to disseminate. No two people’s experience is the same, so it needs to be noted that there is nothing “normal” about the way you feel you should be grieving. It will shift as you work through it, and you have to avoid getting caught up in the “shitty shoulds” as I call this damaging behavior. Meaning, thinking that you should feel a certain way which differs from your actual experience, will help about as much as drilling a hole in a boat and hoping it doesn’t sink. More than anything, you have to take a careful inventory of your feelings and meet yourself where you’re at. This helps you figure out how and with what assistance you will begin to move through the loss. This is specifically true when dealing with the loss of human life.

Life is hard enough when you feel as if you are hanging on by a thread and dealing with your own mental health. Many days you may find it taxing to simply deal with the daily struggles of being human. So, how can you even begin to cope with the great loss of someone’s life when you can barely handle basic tasks at times? Sometimes it does seem almost impossible, and there is always a chance that an unhealthy coping mechanism will come into play without you fully realizing that it is happening. That is how insidious the many plagues of the unchecked mind can be when the chips are down and you are at your most vulnerable. Having said that, it is completely normal to have a drink (or two) or reach for a controlled substance such as marijuana or a prescribed medication when you need a light reprieve from your anguish; so long as those substances do not become a crutch with which you placate yourself into numbness, or if you have a substance abuse disorder. What really needs to be done in times of grief and loss, is a thorough analysis of your mental state, and appropriate processing of your feelings as you navigate your life without the presence of the one who has passed on.

Loss has touched my life in many moments, and much of it has been tragically sudden. People that I love have been taken too soon and too young, and others have suffered terminal illnesses that quickly degenerated their health without warning. Sometimes I have mourned the loss of a friendship and relationship, or even a career that no longer fulfilled me (yes, you can grieve the loss of something that was unhealthy and toxic, that is common). When the loss has occurred from a bout of mental health issues, the cause and reason is often ubiquitous, and leaves others behind to cope with the void that has been created by someone else’s untimely absence. I always wonder why it happens this way; why that person, and why that time? This is a mystery of existence that is not ours to know, and perhaps we never will.

These occurrences can lead the grieving person to cope with loss in ways that are destructive and, in the worst case scenarios, cause the person to suffer a similar fate to the one who passed. It is imperative, and I cannot stress this enough, to not use these crutches as a catalyst for complacency. At some point you will have to deal with the loss in its entirety and find a way to carry on with life. Do what you must to productively prevent falling down the rabbit hole of grief. It is essential that you do not isolate beyond such a time where you have to heal. Reach out to friends, family, a therapist; people that you trust and find comfort in. It is okay to lean on others when you need a boost, so long as you are open to being proactive in self-healing, and are not using people as an additional crutch.

There are times when you know subconsciously that your unhealthy coping is truly contradictory to your health, and yet you continue to do so because it temporarily lifts you from your pain. When you can make a note of these instances, and analyze why you are making those decisions, then hopefully you will be able to do better in the future, lest you get ensnared in those crutches becoming permanent tactics to escape.

I recommend keeping a journal so that you can keep careful track of your moods and feelings. It’s a great indicator of your state of mind, and truly helps you to catch yourself in times of turmoil and emotional distress. Personally, my journal accompanies me everywhere; the act of putting pen to paper is not only therapeutic, you are able to have a free flow stream of consciousness that is really self-guided therapy in which you can articulate things that you never realized prior.

There were times that I did not think I would survive my grief periods; times when the darkness overtook me and I was not able to see that someday I would feel better and not be in a state of despair. The one thing I can promise you, is that no matter how horrible you feel in the moment, tomorrow will usually be better. That doesn’t mean the situation you are in will magically disappear, but your mindset will be different and with rest you will have a new perspective and be better suited to deal with the situation. My Nana always said, “life is hard but it is always worth living.” These words have resonated with me during the periods of life where one more day felt impossible. I promise you that if you just hold on and work on healing, your life will improve. Just keep moving forward, and know that not every action has to be this grand display of success. Sometimes accomplishments will be as small as making your bed, getting ready for your day, doing your dishes, cooking dinner, or whatever small task you have to do. If everything feels like it's too much, just focus on the small things, so that when you are feeling up to it, you are set up for success to take on larger goals. These actions give your life meaning and intention, and will build a base for you to work off of. While you are dealing with grief, keeping your living space tidy and manageable will help you from falling off the emotional wagon.

Everyone will have different experiences and different needs, but these are the things that have worked for me while I was dealing with the multiple suicides of my family, friends and ex-partner, as well as the illness-related deaths of my family members. I just had to get up every morning and live for them; I wanted to do the things that they couldn’t do anymore, because if they were still here, I believe that’s what they would want for me.

Yes I have had my times where I searched for answers in a bottle or a pill script, or harmed myself physically, and I can tell you that nothing positive ever came from such things. The pain subsides for a moment, but returns just as quickly, and absolutely nothing has been accomplished. The only things that have worked for me are talking to someone I trust about my feelings, exercise, daily tasks and checklists, working on a goal, and ensuring that I am sleeping and eating regularly. Any healthy activity and process will get you to the next platform in your grieving process, and ultimately in your life’s future success. I had a wonderful grief counselor tell me that people will expect you to move past grief in about three months, and that the truth is, you will never be “over it.” However, you can move “through it.” There will come a time where the pain is still present, but it no longer rules your life. It will become a part of your life’s tapestry, interwoven with the joys, successes, and failures and losses. Not every part will be wonderful; life is a harmony of agony and ecstasy, and no life would be wholly complete without these parallel elements.

No matter who or what you are grieving the loss of, just hold for one more day, and the day after, and so on. If you have to take it minute by minute, then so be it. But don’t throw in the towel. Don’t give up before the miracle happens. You are worthwhile, and even though you will at times feel unloved, lonely, and hopeless, this is seldom the truth. Our mind is insecure, and will lead you astray if you let it. Everyone is experiencing these feelings in some form or another. No matter the degree, this is part of being human. We only have one life as far as we know, and we owe it to the people that have passed on to live it fully with love and intention. In your grieving process, honor the ones who we lost with your devotion to your own health and success. There is no better tribute than that. And when you feel lost, write it down; write it to the person that you miss, and feel everything. I think that there is connectedness between us and them, and it will bring you comfort.

If you’re reading this and feel that you are stuck in grief and like things won’t get better, I promise you that they will. We have no way of knowing when, but there will come a day when you wake up and don’t feel tethered to your grief and the effects that it has on your mental health. If you feel like no one cares, I do. I care. Jess cares. We love you and believe in you. We want to see you win, smile, laugh, and dance. In the end it will be okay, and if it's not okay, it's not the end.

Be good to yourself, and be good to others.

Take care my loves,

I think you’re pretty special.

-Cameron

“When you are going through Hell, keep on going. Never, never, never give up.” -Winston Churchill